Independence Revised

So at the end of July I posted two old high school song lyrics that I was going to edit and see if I could make them something better. Well, here is my attempt at that. I think it's much better, but it might go through a bit more editing.

Independence
by: Jennifer Nelson
written: May 20, 2004
revised: September 17, 2010

I hear
in the distance
the laughing.
Even
humming.
What it wants
can't be heard
but it softly
whistles
while a life
flashes
in my mind.
Dreams come true
on this foggy
road. Inhibitions
leave
and make you whole
again. But you'll really never
know just what I am.
I see it there,
I can almost touch it.
I see it there,
so close I can feel it.
I see it there,
in front of me,
calling out for someone.
Your life is flashing
in front of you.
Your inhibitions
leave
and make you feel
again. But still
you don't have
me. I want to break
free and embrace
this life. To chase
wild stallions.
To find
what life is.
Laughing,
humming,
seeing,
freedom.
Life keeps flashing
in your face. Dreams
and inhibitions leave.
And you're so close to me!
Break out
and leave home
to find the new
world. The next phase
of life is shining
through. It's right
there. Can you see
it? Go embrace
it. Go and take
what is yours!

Found a treasure!

So, I found two "song lyrics" that I wrote at the end of my junior year of high school. I'm going to post both of them. Then I'm going to use them to test my editing skills. Yes, I'm going to see if I can take these priceless high school writing attempts and turn them into poetry that I don't laugh at when I read them.

Here's number one. I called it: "Independence"

Independence
by: Jennifer Nelson
written: May 20, 2004

I see it there, laughing right in front of me.
I see it there, humming a tune of independence.
I see it there, in front of me, calling out for someone to hear.
Your life is flashing in front of you.
Your dreams are coming true.
Your inhibitions leave and make you alright again.
But you'll really never know just what I am.
I see it there, I can almost touch it.
I see it there, so close I can feel it.
I see it there, in front of me, calling out for someone to hear.
Your life is flashing in front of you.
Your inhibitions leave and make you alright again.
But you still don't have me!
I want to break free and embrace this life of mine.
I want to run with wild stallions.
I want to break free and find out what life is.
I see it there, laughing out loud.
I see it there, humming that tune.
I see it there, right in front of me, waiting for someone to see!
Your life is flashing in front of you.
Your dreams are coming true.
Your inhibitions leave and make you alright again.
And you're so close to me!
I'm breaking out!
I'm leaving home!
I've found my new world, it's so close.
The next phase of my life is shining through.
It's right there.
Can you see it?
Go embrace it.
Go and take it!

Here's number two:

Hi...
by: Jennifer Nelson
written: May 20, 2004

Young woman
what's the meaning?
Young woman
what's the use?
Young woman
Alright, here it comes again
What two words hurt a girl more
None that I know
First of all, they call you young
To help you keep your place.
This word they make sure rings in your ears.
Then they move to calling you woman
A term used to show responsibility
Used t show that you should know
the consequences of your actions
Young woman
oh yeah right!
Young woman
don't make me laugh!
Young woman
okay, here it goes again
They call you a woman and you try to use that
You tell them that you've grown,
and they should give you more freedom
But of course they bring up the young part of the two
You're too young to go out
Too young to have a life
Young woman
no more please!
Young Woman
Let me be!
Young woman
What's the point anymore?
Those two heart breaking words bring any girl down
When you hear them, just proceed with caution
I just want to run away from them
Young woman
okay I give in
Young woman
I said I finished
Young woman, we just wanted to say hi.

Well, there they are. Let the editing begin!